Roller skating over an icy bridge
Crossing a bridge can be a terrible trigger for panic attacks. No metaphors here, a literal bridge. It doesn’t have to be high, or over anything dangerous. Crossing a bridge can throw me into a white knuckled, crawling inducing, chest clenching, fit. It fucking sucks. Because sometimes you need to get to the other side of bridge.
But an amazing thing happened last night. I had a dream I was roller skating over an icy bridge in the dark. I felt fine. Better than fine, good. I cruised right across. Then my dream reasoning had me turn around and go back, doing it all over again. There was no fear, no panic, no certainty that I was going to die. It felt amazing. So amazing my dream self stopped at the bar at the other side of the bridge and did a few loops on the dance floor.
I credit a recent trip to the Church of Eight Wheels in San Francisco for my rewired synapsis. I showed up at the converted church-to roller-rink with very low expectations that my unusually rigid body would do well where loose-and-relaxed is the name of the game. I tried. It was amazing, albeit not perfect.
I felt like a slightly more complete person for the freedom I let myself feel. I felt that again last night — being in control, while being open and experiencing the world where you are, outside of the constraints of panic and anxiety. The constraints that literally prevent you from crossing a bridge.
Tomorrow I have to drive a car over a long, high bridge. It won’t be icy and I won’t be on roller skates, it’ll just be a bridge. I have a feeling I can do it. I have a feeling I’ll be okay.
